8 Years

Today has been a day of reflection. I remember where I was when I got the call. I'm grateful for my new friends who were right there beside me. I remember the tears streaming and falling as I talked with my mom. I remember asking if I should come home and the hard answer of "No"- I'm where I'm supposed to be and where the Lord needs me. I remember how heartbroken I was not to be able to go to the services.

So many things were different 8 years ago. I think of what things would've been different if I had gone home- the people I never would've met, the learning experiences I needed, how I almost wished this on myself. I remember a conversation I had with my mom before I left for my mission- We were talking about missions: mine, and my younger siblings who had hopes of going. We knew my grandma wasn't doing well. I remember crying a little then too- and saying how I hoped that if she passed that it would be while I was gone and not my siblings because I felt I could handle it. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

I remember our last conversation together. We were at the assisted living center. I was preparing to leave soon. Despite our past arguments in her confusion, we talked of writing each other while I was gone, like she did my brothers when they were on their missions. Growing up, that was always something I looked forward to- letters to grandma in a pen pal fashion: me talking of school, her talking of her students and life in Arizona. I would never get a letter back from her when I sent mine about how my first week was going in the MTC.

I remember the Lord's tender mercies. That week, we were studying the plan of happiness, the plan of salvation, and the family being so central to His plan. He was preparing me, reminding me that I will see her again and feel her warm embrace in a hug once more.

I remember thinking how weird but not too odd that I hadn't heard from my family since I had arrived (but back then, it was only snail mail and Ohio to Utah is almost a full week to deliver). I remember hearing my name over the PA system to come to the front office (like in high school). I remember walking with my companions down there and knowing in my gut what was about to happen. I remember the Mission President of the MTC talking to me and telling me what had happened and that my mom was on the line and I could talk to her. I don't remember crying so much during a phone conversation as I had that day. I remember getting a priesthood blessing of comfort in the name of the Father a couple days later from the Branch President. I remember feeling a little numb for a couple moments over the course of a few days. Here are some thoughts from that blessing: "Be obedient, work hard. Bless you with peace, understanding, and strength- understand the gospel and your purpose. Appreciate your proud heritage. Thankful you had your grandmother live with you- learn from her and she you." I'm grateful for the Branch President's wife who was so kind to take notes while I was receiving that blessing and that I kept it in a safe place.

I look back and think, if I hadn't stayed all the people I met, taught, and befriended- I would've missed on some amazing friendships that have lasted almost 8 years. I don't know if I can ever go there in my mind- if I made the right decision- but I do know that some of these friendships are amazing and I learned so much from them.

I remember how frail she was when I left. I remember how much I love her. The best things outweigh the bad by far (as her Alzheimer's was getting worse). I remember getting home after 18 months. I remember all the temple work lined up so that I was able to go through part of the temple ceremony for her. I remember how happy we were to seal my grandpa to my grandma and my mom all together after all these years.

I think of the memories my children are making with their grandparents, as they have all 4. I think of how maybe my grandma met my children before they met me and it makes me smile a little. I think of how Penny is showing that German stubbornness already (not all the time, thankfully) and how I can tell her about that as she gets older.

I wish I could see her now, as we enjoy our little family and to see her interact with the kids. I wish she could've met Chris- he could see where I get some of my qualities from. I wish I could play her one more song. But I can remember. And that is enough. We will be together forever.

From left to right: Uncle Bill, (Grandpa) William Bartlett, (Grandma) Alice Bartlett

Grandma is smack dab in the middle. This was taken within a year of her passing.

"Even though I know that she's in a better place, it doesn't change the hole I feel in my heart. I will love her forever."